this is my story

it's been 2 and a half month since my last post here. since my heart broken for the first time. today i'm writing again. this is my story. from my side. what i feel. what i've been through. what in my mind. please don't judge me, don't judge him. it is just how our story ended.

after two month of silence-killer-breking-heart treatment from him, that night i know i need to do something, need to confront my problems. my relationship problems. my lovelife problems. i'm an ordinary person. i'm not letting him to crush my heart anymore. hanging me without any reason. i meet him with a friend of mine (awesome friend). seeing him make me smile along the meeting even it's hurt inside. even the thing that we're talking about are breaking my heart into pieces. i lost my emotions. i'm smiling all the way. but deep inside, i'm bleeding. everything ends in one night.

the next day was aweful. but i act like i'm strong. like i'm going to be better in a short time. no tears. just anger. mad. but still vomiting. because i keep the real feeling inside. it pulls out my food. meet him for the second time, i think maybe i can make things better, but the truth is, he's already put me aside. throw me from his life. he's started a new life with no me in it anymore. he said that he don't want me anymore. he want to live in the future, start a new life, without his past, including me.

i want to cry, but i hold it. i want to be mad, but that is not me. i'm still smiling, but i know, i lost my love, i lost my sweetheart, long time ago without i'm realizing it. sudd, what i know is he's changing to someone else. not the person that i know 3 years ago. the person that i fall in love has gone. the person that love me already died, literally. this person that hurt me, was never love me. at that point of time, i ask him to give me back the person that i know. but it is for sure, not going to happen. the decision have been made, by him. and i know, i can't do anything. but i realize, i've done everything for us. but he punish me without give me a chance to know and correct my mistake towards him. that's cruel. all the reason he told me, seems like he just want to cover his own mistake, not mine, by put the blame on me. i'm startled.

i cried all night until i fall asleep. wake up in the morning, i cried again. thinking how cruel he is. the next day, my blood pressure reach 140. me not feeling anything, but the nurse seems worried about me. i lost my sense for that time. but then i realize. i need to take care of myself. no one can hurt me anymore. i need to stand up. because i know, i'm not doing anything wrong. it's just him who never know me, never know what i'm worth fighting for. my fight for him was in the past. now i'll fight for myself. for my future.

he keep saying that this is not about another person, just his love are not with me anymore. but i know, this is about another girl. and now i know that it is true, i'm sure. that's cruel. you jerk!

me now trying hard to crawl, sit, stand, walk and run again. pray for me. i never know how hard it is. but i promise to myself, i'll try my best. and one thing for sure, Allah will always be with me.
setiap perbuatan kita akan dibalas, aite? i'm sure, one day.................